Travis is very good with words and he's witty. It makes for a great combination. This was his response to a bulletin post on Myspace about "Men's Rules".
His response to each item is in the parenthesis. Read this all the way through. You won't be disappointed.
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We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. Finally!! So these are OUR rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! (The author can't count?)
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. You can handle it. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. (This is just being polite and considerate for her benefit - it won't kill you to lower the seat. If it does, she's better off)
1(2). Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon. Let it be. (By "sports" you mean "American Football." Stop living your adolescent fantasies of being the QB hero and mow the lawn.)
1(3). Crying is blackmail. (and stoicism is extortion)
1(4). Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! (Clear communication is good, yes, but hinting is part of the game - it shows you pay attention and care about the things that matter to her. Oh, and CLEAR COMMUNICATION means telling her how you feel. toughen up - share with your girlfriend/wife).
1(5). Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. (What do you want for dinner? "No." How was work today? "No." How's the project at work coming along? "Yes." People ask questions to get to know you - OPEN THE FUCK UP.)
1(6). Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. (Holy shit, here's an idea - LISTEN. She came to you because she wants to share it with you, not be solved. She's smart enough to solve it on her own - she want sympathy and understanding from her man. Jesus...be there for her.)
1(7). A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. (Maybe if you weren't so selfish in bed to begin with she wouldn't develop a psychosomatic problem in the first place. She can orgasm, too, dickhead.)
1(8). Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. (Really? Is that because you're too stupid and careless to remember what you do or because you just don't care about her beyond sex? DIAF, prick)
1(9). If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. (Be a bad actor? She just wants to feel connected to you - like you're her friend and her lover. Open up to her and maybe your sex life will expand. Or you could stop being a stoic John Wayne wannabe and FUCKING TALK TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND)
1(10). If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. (She knows her body. The question is 'Do you think I'm pretty?' or something similar. When you blow it off you're ignoring a subtle question she wants an answer to and ignoring something that matters a great deal to her. Insensitive jerk.)
1(11). If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. (If you said something stupid and upset her, genuinely and honestly apologize for it. Take responsibility for what you said and when you say 'I won't do it again." PUT FORTH REAL EFFORT TO DO JUST THAT, asshat.)
1(12). You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. (Because you've never asked a coworker/friend/brother/random guy to do something for you and then told him all the ways he fucked it up? Shut up and take her advice. You're not perfect.)
1(13). Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. (God forbid she interrupt a show you can catch at a later time or a game you can read about later with human conversation. Be involved with her, dumbass. She loves you and is trying to show it - do the same)
1(14). Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. (And he got fucking lost and killed off an indigenous people. Get some directions or a map and shut up.)
1(15). ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. (Though many men are colorblind to a degree we can still see in the vast spectrum of light the world has. Learn the names or admit you don't - don't trivialize her enjoyments because you're a primitive monkey turd. Mauve is a pale lilac-lavender color. Now you know.)
1(16). If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. (If it hurts, people cry. HUMANS DO THAT. And no one wants to see you scratching your whale eye. Go to the bathroom. Jesus.)
1(17). If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. (And you deserve to be single. CARE ABOUT HER. Try and find out what's wrong. If she doesn't want to tell you, JUST BE THERE WITH HER. Sit in silence, hold each other's hand and wait. When she's ready she'll tell you. Trust me.)
1(18). If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. (Because you've never asked a question you didn't really want an answer to? Bad news isn't easy to take, thus the "bad" part of it. Maybe you could stop fucking up and she won't have to ask if you picked her mother up at the airport today.)
1(19). Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. (She takes an interest in what you like, you do the same. Besides, life is more than baseball, football, which is strangely homoerotic, and monster trucks. Take a walk, read a book, watch something GOOD on TV. Jesus, anything but baseball or cars.)
1(20). You have enough clothes. (And you have enough cars/computer shit/paintball crap/porn/loser friends/bar buddies -whatever. That sort of thing works both ways. Unless her spending is ruining your COLLECTIVE bank account, shut your mouth.)
1(21). You have too many shoes. (No, she honestly doesn't. Women's shoes work differently than men's shoes. I swear - they just do. Accept this and be happy when she finds a pair - it's a lot harder for girls to buy shoes than you think.)
1(22). I am in shape. ROUND is a shape. (You're fat. Emulate those sports you like so much and run a mile every few days, piggy. Maybe the headache she has will disappear)
1(23). Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping. (Hmm, sleep on a small lumpy couch alone or sleep in a comfortable bed with the woman I love. Yes, I think I'll be a dipshit and sleep on the couch. Wait, no. Bed for me, please.)
